I Missed You, Chicken Submitted by: Jim Ford - 01/12/09 5:38 pm

I Missed You, Chicken Oh, I've wanted you for so long. Just thinking about you gets me so... mmm... excited. I haven't had you in years. Oh, fried chicken, I've missed you! You know, us bachelors don't always know how to cook many things. This week I decided I would eat no more frozen pizzas and chicken wings until I learned to cook real foods and have some good ol' fashioned home cooking. My favorite meal of all time: fried chicken, mashed potatoes, green beans, and rolls. My Mom made the best with Ginger Kennedy and my friend Molly coming in a close tie for second. I sent out emails and phone calls to my friends and got all kinds of advice. Went to the store, picked out a huge package labeled "Fresh Chicken Parts" and all my fixings. After soaking the chicken in buttermilk all night (thanks HP!), I was finally ready. Arranging all the ingredients and plopping huge amounts of lard... uggh... just saying it, lard... I felt my nerves tingling. The anticipation has become anxiety! I took each piece out of the buttermilk, sprinkled Tony Cachere's and drizzled Louisiana Hot Sauce, rolled in flour, dipped in an egg and buttermilk wash I'd put together, and re-rolled in flour. A note for the future: everything that sticks to chicken also sticks to fingers. It became impossible to use my once-nimble phalanges after 3 pieces; and my hands looked like the famed tree-bark man. Finally I carefully place each piece in the sizzling hot grease. Immediately I realized from all the smoke that the heat was too high. Within a couple minutes, half the house was engulfed in a haze with the smell of burning grease wafting throughout every corner and crevice. Were it not for the plaintive wail of the smoke detector and my dog communicating the obvious and incessant bark of alarm, I may not have noticed as quickly the need to turn down the heat and open every window and door. Frantically I trudged forward and prepped the Cajun-spiced mashed potatoes, garlic and pepper green beans, and big flakey buttery dinner biscuits. Another note for the future: prepare the "fixins" ahead of time. Concentrate on the chicken. I think next time I'll take a closer look at what parts of the chicken I'm purchasing because when the package said "chicken parts", I assumed the normal wings, legs, breast, thigh assortment. The breast was the entire half chicken and by the time it sat in the grease for a good 25 minutes or so, looked like a giant burnt apple fritter look-alike out in the cow field. Fortunately I like to clean as I cook and kept the kitchen mostly in order. Even found a few minutes to throw in some ready-bake cookies just for a special late-night chocolate treat. I topped it all off with a Dos XX's with fresh lime, which made this all possible to bear in the first place. The chicken, looking like a terrible experiment (and me feeling about the same), actually tasted pretty good. I learned a few tips, such as probably not putting so much effort into all the buttermilk, eggs, etc. and will go simple if I do it again. I don't remember Mom's tasting or looking like this... this THING; but hey, I'm learning. This was by far the messiest undertaking I've ever tried and my house and entire closet full of clothes smell like the back of Captain D's grease pits now... ahh the sweet aromatic trip down memory lane. The chicken and I fought hard and it almost defeated me. But a battle hard fought, I endured and triumphed, I kicked its butt! I have enough yard-bird to last for weeks. To you guys out there too timid to venture new things: fear not and give it at try. To you ladies who've mastered this culinary art: we men may be able to pee standing up but I bow down before your ninja mastery of the kitchen. A random parting thought only my family will get. This experience reminds me of one of Mom's corny jokes: How do you sell a deaf man a chicken? YOU WANNA BUY A CHICKEN!?!?!?! Ha ha, I never got that joke or thought it was funny even as a kid, but makes me smile thinking of my blind mother telling a deaf joke. Log in and leave some comments or go to my pictures page to get more details on many of the pics you see here.

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