Burning Down the Kitchen Submitted by: Jim Ford - 02/22/04 7:51 am

I had a friend over the other night to cook dinner. I'll call her "Jessica". She's fairly handy in the kitchen and possesses many wonderful qualities both professionally and personally. And although her hair is mostly a dark brown ('cept for the occasional greys), she tends to have her blonde moments here and there. We were boiling bratwurst in beer and onions. I had the grill on outside to finish them up. Jess pre-heated the oven to cook the fries and later the brownies. I was in the back checking emails when she comes in to tell me the oven fan didn't seem to be working that great. I told her it wasn't a vent, just a fan. So a few minutes later she returns to tell me the kitchen is getting kinda smoky. I go in to check and the kitchen is engulfed in a haze of really bad-smelling smoke. I immediately check the oven and find a very charred pizza box with my half eaten leftovers melting inside. I turn the oven off, grab a mitt, and put the box in my sink. She can't believe anyone puts a pizza box in the oven and I explain it's too big for my fridge and I've always stored them in the oven for a day or two. Yet, I understand why she puts hers in the fridge. My question for her was: she didn't have a problem with whatever was burning in the oven, she was paying attention to the fan not working!!?!? Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I've opened windows/doors and have a box fan blowing smoke out but it doesn't seem to be clearing quickly. I happen to glance at the box in the sink and notice it smoldering heavily. So I grab the mitt again, pick it up, and proceed to carry it outside. Still walking in the kitchen, the thing actually catches fire! I was like, Holy Crap Batman! So I hit the garage door opener, start walking out and it fully engulfs the box! I am trying to reach the water spigot outside and all the while molten cheese is dropping on my foot and the fire is singing my hand. I make it to the driveway and just can't hold it any longer. I drop it on the ground... 6 inches from my gas meter -- reaking of gas! My yard is catching fire in two spots... I'm trying to throw water from the spigot on it.... I finally grab a bottle and douse the flames. I now have 2 burned spots in the yard. Least I have two spots without weeds now! Jessica, next time smoke is billowing from an oven, don't worry about the fan. Worry about the fire!! :-)

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Jim Ford - 02/24/04 11:01 am

Corrections to Jessica-the-Librarian's comments: The box fan was not pointing anywhere near the direction of the flaming pizza box and I was carrying it at a height approximately 2.38 times the height of the little fan. Consequently, it would be physically impossible for the fan to blow the embers of the sizzling box. Anyone who has studied basic physics in highschool would know that. Guess they don't teach that up in the boondocks of Illinois? Hidee *?@!ing ho!!!

Jason Gulledge - 02/22/04 10:10 am

Holy crap dude. You know, i'm no whiz in the kitchen, but when I turn the oven on, I always check what's inside first. That tip is for free... Jim, you might want to figure out why the hell your yard is leaking gas. weird.

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